“In this life you’re reborn every moment. Every single second is a rebirth, a time when we re-create ourselves and our self-concepts. Every moment, there’s a new YOU.” – Lama Surya Das
“We carry about with us the burden of what thousands of people have said and the memories of all our misfortunes. To abandon all that totally is to be alone, and the mind that is alone is not only innocent but young and only such a mind can see that which is truth and that which is not measurable by words.”-Krishnamurti
It has been a long winter. In some ways I feel like it has been the longest winter yet. At least the most challenging by far. But somehow, yet again, I’ve managed to survive the anguish of isolation and discontent that this season brings for me. And the only reason I think I have ‘survived’ is because I had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Winter was my keeper. I spent excruciating days and hours locked away from nature, within the confines of structured walls surrounded by brick and concrete. No colorful flowers to gaze upon, days devoid of sunshine, the sound of birds obsolete. As I’m putting this into words a new thoughtform arises: maybe I can equate winter with a stern yet highly valuable teacher rather than a fierce and dreaded foe. For it was during this long, excruciating period of ‘death’ and ‘dying’ and being forced into seclusion, at least my own self imposed seclusion, that everything came to a head and was forced to reflect on and confront the obstacles in my own life. Those cyclical obstacles that we all keep encountering but are too eager to dismiss or blame on external sources. The same question of ‘why am I here, and what am I doing here – again?” Tibetan lamas believe that only through acknowledging the ever presence of death can we truly experience life: living every day as if we are dying. To me winter has always symbolized death. In fact we are dying every minute, every second, as cells and tissues in our bodies degenerate. But like the skin of a snake and the new cycle of life that spring inevitably brings we also regenerate. So is death then merely an illusion, since life brings death and death bring on new life? Are obstacles an illusion. Is winter the illusion of an obstacle for me? Let’s just say that I agree with the Buddhist philosophy – that through honoring the omnipresence of death we can fully appreciate and honor that gift that is life. And only through death we can experience rebirth hence the never-ending cycle of existence. And to complete the full circle perhaps I can now come to view winter as merely cyclical – the teacher that enabled my own rebirth – the birth into a new spring, into a new beginning, into a new Self.
So this spring I commit myself to my own rebirth. Shedding the past and harnessing my newly gained wisdom. The wisdom I have acquired from trying to resist something by camouflaging it into something different than its true form time and time again – in this case winter, my teacher in disguise. I want to give myself the gift of trust. I want and choose to trust in my own potential for transformation. In my own ability to release myself from everything that has kept me attached to old habits and old fears. We all deserve the chance to release ourselves from the old stories that have shaped our past, the stories we got caught up in along the way, the stories we made up about ourselves, and the stories other people imposed onto us. My official rebirth into spring began this past weekend. On my birthday, with everything in full bloom. I chose to celebrate the day of my birth in the Catskill Mountains at a Buddhist monastery. This year more than any other I wanted to make it about renewal, a symbolic gesture to be reborn and awakened into new beginning, a new year, a new chapter of my evolution. There was nothing I wanted more than to surrender. Surrender to nothingness and everything at once. The thought of spending a full day in meditation was beautiful and daunting all at once. What would I find in the black infinite space of my mind disconnected from the world and all its distractions?
I took off my shoes, entered the shrine room and stood face to face with a giant golden Buddha, bathed in the incandescence of dozens of prayer candles and red silk scrolls hanging from the walls. I felt instant peace, and whatever apprehension I had thus far dissipated like morning mist. Suddenly I was meditating in the presence of a Tibetan lama, who chanted the sacred teachings of the Dharma, praying for compassion and the happiness of all sentient and non-sentient beings. I prayed to the delicate sound of a meditation bell and the powerful thunder of a gong and tried to release my mind from clinging. I prayed for my own happiness and felt torn for not exercising selflessness. But compassion begins with the Self, I remembered. I think I’m getting somewhere. I hope I am. I watched ‘non-attachment’ play hide-and-seek in my head, as my mind seemed to cling to everything that tied me to the past like a stubborn velcro. I cannot say that I triumphed in the end, but I certainly was able to catch a glimpse of what lies on the other side. I saw a crystal clear lake with water lilies floating on its surface. I smiled. My victory manifested itself in a few brief and fragile moments when I allowed myself to surrender and experience the beauty of the present moment – a present removed from any ties to the past – newly born, like my own rebirth into spring.
What is the ‘gift of rebirth’ you would like to grant to yourself this spring? What would you like to shed like an old garment that no longer fits you? Remember, every moment there is a new you – or the real you that you have been somehow suppressing. Who is that person today?
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Tags: beginning, Buddhism, Buddhist Monastery, Catskill Mountains, cleanse, compassion, Dharma, happiness, lama, meditation, monks, prayer, rebirth, reincarnation, renewal, spring, Tibet, Tibetan, Tibetan monks, winter
